Barstool

I've noticed a reoccurring theme that has taken place these last three months: I seem to have formed relationships with many barstools in Long Beach. It's not that I have been on a drunken bar hopping expedition....It's just that I seem to have watched the world pass by me while perched upon a barstool. They have been swivel-typed, wood and rickety, bar height, counter height, leather, fabric...you name it. I travel with a barstool when it is necessary to hoist myself up in to the mom mobile of choice in LB: the SUV. I use a barstool to get into my house. I elevate my foot in kitchen when I am planted in rolly chair (sick of that thing, too). When I attend gatherings, I usually spend the time sitting in the kitchen and visit with the people that float in and out. I've sat at the Tree in my pjs on a barstool. I've even used a barstool to help me get in and out of the shower....I think I could write a book on the many uses of a barstool.

So, last night, I went to a birthday party...and spent the evening on a barstool. Now, it was a swivel type and had some padding, so it wasn't too uncomfortable....except for the moments when I was alone, in the kitchen. I watched the other guests mingle and eat and jam outside, out the window, from the barstool.....I watched the birthday boy blow out the candles on his cake, out the window, from the barstool....I greeted the people that came inside as they made a path to the bathroom, from the barstool. I even heard the police bang on the front door to get the band to pipe down, from the barstool....The barstool and I had a great night....but, I'm looking forward to the day where I can actually sit one ass cheek on the barstool while one foot is firmly planted on the ground. Let's just hope that day comes soon...otherwise, the next barstool I encounter might be flying throught the window.....

Goons

So I'm sitting on my deck watching the little kid across the street run around on the roof. Literally run around on the roof -- it's got a slight pitch, he's got a hose going up there and is laughing like a lunatic. Now this kid looks to be about five or 6. This is certainly not a good idea by any stretch of the imagination. Perhaps he got liquored up on the of my Miller Lites in the vortex bottle. I think Donna needs to get one of her construction goons over there to give this kid a tip or three pronto.

Not sure what I'm doing with the rest of my evening...may stop by the next door neighbor's house in order to get away from "family togetherness"....it's been a bitch of a weekend. Maybe I'll go out again later...but feel that if I show up at LBCC or the Tree one more time it will be an issue.

But at least I got to white trash it with Donna in the Lady Lane deck top kiddy pool. Andy misted us with the hose and acted as cabana boy. What will I do when he's working and can't bend to our every whim? Not sure, but I need to post some pics of that in the meantime. Until then we may need to hit those goons up for one more favor.

Ass Biting

Yes, I did hobble down three flights of stairs...but Nancy forgot to mention the other stairs I went down to get out of that place. Oh my. It would have been fine except for the audience I had behind me watching me the whole way down. That visit was probably not the smartest idea, but Nanner was a peach in wanting to get me out and to a pool with my kidlets...I just don't think we expected all of Chicago and it's surrounding suburbs to be there with all of their half naked children...and the waitress would walk by us and never notice our empty glasses. Oh well, I'm beginning to not resemble the color of paper, anymore...so I got that going for me.

Then I go home, at 3pm mind you....and my husband asks if I want to have an early dinner. The kids, of course, are all over that....and we sit down by 4:15 for our fare. Now, in the back of my head I am thinking this little scenario is gonna bite me in the ass, somehow.....I then proceed to crawl my way up my wood stairs....did I mention the fucking callouses that have formed on my knee from doing this for 3 months....to sit in a chair and iron for an hour and a half. Iron? Yeah. Iron? Yeah, I iron. Kid's uniforms, husband's 100 golf shirts, sheets, pillowcases...stop smirking...I finally take an uninterrupted shower and flop myself into my bed....where I stupidly decide to watch "The Best Thing I Ever Ate" on the Food Network...this is where the ass biting occurs: I watch this show where people are talking about jerkey and ceasar salad and these croissant-like things made with butter and sugar and donut cupcakes and nachos.....do you see where this is going? So, I text my husband...so much easier that way, don't knock it, and I convince him to go get ice cream on a Saturday night during a holiday weekend at 8:30pm.....So there I was, at 9:15, sitting in my bed scarfing down moosetracks ice cream....and snoring by 9:45. What a vision....

5:45 this morning...wishing I had some sort of hunting weapon to shoot at the damn birds that like to whistle, chirp and mock me from the tree outside the window on my side of the bed. I know it's nature, and beautiful and so much better to listen to that a gang fight or a drug bust....but, geesh, can't a gimp get some sleep? I have stairs to conquer, today.....

Already a scandal...

So...here's how I spent my day.....

I started out by eating Easy Mac for breakfast..you know the stuff? The shit you boil in the microwave and then mix with neon orange "cheese"? Yeah..that's what I had for breakfast. I then proceeded to take the 9 year old boy to his soccer game. And while he performed like quite the rock star (7 goal of his own) I bitched about how I had to walk approximately 3 miles (okay I'm exaggerating, but whatever...) from car to field. The 7 year old commented ""Mom....I've heard this several times. Let's get over it." Okay...she's a mop of blonde curls with a smart mouth. Perhaps the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree....

Then grabbed Donna and her wee one's and off we went to the pool....Donna going down three flight of stairs was soooo not pretty...but she did it. And I'm happy. Two Amstel's for lunch joined the Easy Mac...

Then the hell of the day....way too many kids, bothering me in way too many ways..think of the words "Mommy Hell" and you've got the picture...drove several back from New Buff...and thinking I have several here over night that I don't own. Whatever.

Around 3:00 we escaped the hell, dumped the gimp at home and then sat on my deck enjoying the day for much too long. Went off to at party at LBCC and then to the Tree...wore a rocking dress and avoided a dangerously close wardrobe malfunction...The dress, perhaps, should not have been so short. Oh well. I'm already a bit of a scandal...what the hell...

Over It

So, I just spent the last 2 1/2 hrs standing on one foot cleaning out my closet. You ever try to do any kind of chore on one foot? It's a bitch. And my bad foot is now asleep and swollen....which is also a bitch. I'm so over it. So over not driving, not walking, rolling around in an office chair, hunching over crutches...oh and did I mention how hard it is to go potty while balancing on one foot? Oh, and sex?....pffftttt....hate to see that footage on film....

So, no, I'm not going out with Nancy and Foti...I refuse to until he shows up to my house with a God damned peanut buster parfait AND figures out how to make it fat free. No in-laws because my hubby had to go to work at the last minute...one kid is at a sleep over and the action packed one is still here.....needless to say, I am going to dive myself into a large Diet Coke over crushed ice...I may even throw a lime in it, need to get my daily fruit serving somehow.

"Action Packed" is pretending to be twisting a hula hoop...she's really got some moves....if I got her a pole, she could have a career.....did I mention she's 5? I'm going to hell for that comment....I just typed my daughter has the moves to be a stripper....WTF?

Sense of Adventure

It was mentioned to me tonight by a friend that I have a "sense of adventure". Not sure if that's the case. I'm thinking that I simply have one big pedicured toe dipped into the deep blue sea of insanity. Or maybe I'm just finding my "fun" in life. I, like Donna, have no mouth filter....and I just say what I think. Could be an issue...but that's why God created "draft" boxes....Hopefully I will never just rant and hit send...that could be bad. Although I'm sure I will as I tend to be impulsive...and therein lies the fun...

Going out for the night with a friend that I hope to introduce to a nice, single friend of mine...he's a doll and I want him happy. As for Donna? She's blowing us off for the in-laws, I believe....whatever....she's a beyotch from way back....

I'm out...more nonsense later.

Blog birth part two

Okay, Donna...it's so not my fault that you're a gimp. And as such, I simply view you as a form of entertainment. Yes, my life is falling apart a bit, but so what? As long as I can mercilessly mock you and your current medical situation, well it's all good. And yes...I will absolutely post the videos taken of you. I live for this shit. Never doubt that I could be lurking around any given corner just waiting to pounce.

And while I should be cleaning my filthy house and hatching an escape plan from Mommy hell, I'm sitting here blogging with you. How easily you've sucked me into your evil ways. I have no doubt that this will come back to bite us both in the ass at some point, but as you've pointed out time and again, I don't have an ass.

So you just sit in your precious rolly chair...and keep writing away. Me? I'll be the one driving around LB in my sweet little car that you yearn for. Game on sunshine...

Blog Birth

Yeah, so welcome to our humble blog....blah, blah, la ti effing da. Donna here. Temporaily attached to this rolly office chair now for 3 months. I have formed a permanent traffic pattern in my tile floor around my kitchen island from this damn chair. I am so over sitting my life away. Broke my foot 3 months ago, when I took my son on a ski trip. Did I break it while schushing (is that a word) down the slopes? No. I fell off of a tub deck shutting window blinds. Pathetic...basically the theme of my life at the moment.

So, my partner in crime, Nancy, has been entertaining herself by filming me in my most humiliating moments since my injury. She has filmed me getting in and out of her SUV on a barstool. She has filmed me getting my first cast off at the doctor's. She has even filmed me driving those nasty scooters at WalMart that smell like ass. And not MY ass, mind you. She even filmed me sitting at my counter in the rolly chair eating a cheeseburger. So, that proves she's pathetic, too. One of these days I'm gonna get back at that no-ass filmmaker...you wait. She's probably going to post them at some time....so you can enjoy my public humiliation, too...

Not that I care. I am as blunt as can be...I have no filter. Nancy tries to reign me in, but, whatever...I only say what other people wish they had the guts to say. I feel I am the voice of not only me, but others. You can thank me later. I'll be here all week.