Smells like yesterday's ass.....

So, I just got back from the local grocery store that basically will cost you $20 to just walk in there.....you know the kind of place: where you walk out with one plastic grocery bag and a $35 bill. The kind of place where a box of crackers will cost you $5 here, but $3.39 at WalMart....It's close, it's on "our" side of 12 and it's small enough for me to walk around the store on my crutches without breaking in to a sweat.

I've been going to this store since I was a squirt...on Saturday mornings, my Italian daddy and I would go and pick up cold cuts (lunchmeat for you non-guido types), later I would go with my mom to see who's who and who is wearing what and driving what....then, when I was old enough to go, solo, I would troll the aisles looking for a glimpse of some young, hot LB ass....I was always on the lookout for DC(and that doesn't stand for Diet Coke) the most beautiful boy in LB-land.....hmmm.....ok, back to this shit....it was always the place for social gathering and FIP sneering. Us at them...and they at us, the locals.

So, I drag my 2 offspring with me to the over-priced grocery, this afternoon....action packed was pushing the cart, (she was aiming at anything breakable, I swear to God) and the good one was crossing off items from the list. We caught up with a friend of mine in the baking aisle and started to discuss what we were making for dinner: homemade pizza for her, steak for us. We were just chatting along as the kids were about to kill each other.....when all of a sudden.....this cloud of ass-smell drifted from behind me. My friend had a look of sheer horror on her face when she saw what the ass cloud was emmitting from. All of a sudden, my kids got quiet, and their eyes almost popped out of their heads at this sight. I knew I would have to turn around...even though I was quite aware I couldn't escape with 2 crutches and 2 kidlets.

I held my breath, grabbed onto my crutches for dear life, and pivoted towards the smell. God as my witness, I think I experienced something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. The smell of ass, no, let me reword that: the smell of yesterday's ass with a hint of crotch rot (I know, vulgar...no other word could describe it) was standing in front of me. Holy Hell, people. Holy Hell. Holy Fucking Hell. Can you smell that? There was a crooked lady leaning on her grocery cart, chewing on her dirty fingernails that I am pretty sure was shit and not dirt, wearing a size 3XL stained wife beater with her droopy tits swinging about. She had, I am almost sure, red pants with jizz stains on her thighs and orange crocs that she could barely cram her feet into. Her hair looked like a rodent was going to crawl out of it at any moment.....oh, and the smell....the smell.....I think the inside of my nostrils are burnt forever. I think I just puked in my mouth, a little.

I know I am not Miss America, by no means....but I make a huge effort to not run into this grocery store with out showering or primping, first. There are still some hot LB guys running amok in there, and you will never see my tits swinging in that grocery. There is an unwritten rule at this grocery store: only the beautiful (and clean) people shop here. The people that live on the north side of 12....well, some people on the southside do, but these are respectable and clean people....THIS ass cloud lady was not from our world and I am not sure how she got in.

Apparently, this crotch rot queen decided to follow me and the kidlets around the store. I can't move fast and I am trying to help action packed steer the cart while the good one keeps asking "what is that smell?" I am so paranoid that people are going to think it's us...I am trying to trot on my crutches to get to check out line. My kids start to head towards their favorite cashier (you know, the one that passes out dum-dum suckers...I love the coconut ones...)...out of the corner of my eye...ass cloud is trying to beat me to the same cashier....so I grab the good one with one of my crutches and stop him in his tracks...he caught on and pulled us into a breathe-free lane...aaahhhhh...relief. Wasn't even pissed off that my bill was $110 and my cart wasn't even full. Just get me out of here.....Holy Hell.