As Seen on TV...

Aviator man has decided that I am not entitled to a good night's sleep. I don't know who died and left him the sleep-decider person....but he's about to be introduced to his new sleeping digs: sofa city. Snoring. He has been snoring. And sleeping diagonally. I don't know which is worse. He sleeps on his back, without a pillow (they're in a heap on the floor between the bed and the nighstand, WTF?) and gargle-snores. SOOOO irritating. So I nudge him. About 6 times one night. And then he looks right at me and makes some pissy remark at me. Listen, aviator man, I'm not the one gargling while lying diagonally in our bed. Geesh.

So, I'm one of those that after I've been disruptly woken up...I can't go back to sleep. So I stare at the ceiling. Or check my iPhone. Or I crutch myself to the bathroom....but mainly I end up turning on the boob tube. And then I get sucked in. Shit.

Infomercials. Worst invention EVER! Usually the oddest products. Usually end up at Bed, Bath & Beyond with an "as seen on tv" sticker on the front of the box. Ok, so I really was concerned that someone had slipped me some sort of hallucenagin (sp?) before I fell asleep the other night....I saw a commercial for some sort of chopping device called "Slap Chop". It's this chopper thing that you can use to chop onions, nuts, etc....and not have to use a knife and if you act now, you will get bendable cutting rubber thingy, so you can fold and slip chopped items into pot or plate, etc....oh, and if you REALLY act now you'll get not one, but TWO of these fuckers PLUS a grating thing for cheese...It gets better....the guy doing the info is the ass wipe from downunder that wears the headgear microphone (Oh, I don't know, a reg clip on mic doesn't work for him?) that has replaced that hyper fuck, Billy Mays. (RIP khaki pant, blue shirt wearing cokehead?) So this ass wipe is promoting the "Slap Chop"...and some high school intern whose daddy owns the company decided to "funk" up the commercial a bit....he decides to turn it into a fucking club remix..."slap your troubles away..." "watch this" Oh, fuck me.

Have you seen Booty Pop? Do you know what these are? Panties with padding on the ass...yes, I said it "ass padding"....So, you're at a club...and some guy is noticing your lucious rump...you hook up, you go home with him, you undress in front of him...and wa-la...you gots a flat ass! He's gonna kick you out to the curb. This is worse than a padded bra.

The Magic Bullet. I have to tell you the truth about this product. So, I had never seen this infomercial before. I had no idea what the product was. 4 or 5 Christmases ago, I was opening presents at my Mom and Step Dad's house. My mom has this big grin on her face and hands me this large, rectangular box. She's all excited and says "Look at what McGuyver got you!" (We call my step dad that because he is always fixing shit with bread wire twisty things and duct tape, but in a good way) "He got me one, too!" So I start ripping the paper off...and I see this big white box with the words "Magic Bullet" written across the front of it. Now, I should also add the fact that my step dad is from Germany, and sometimes gets confused with things...and at this point, I'm thinking that McGuyver bought my mom and I each a vibrator. I look over at Aviator man who is smiling, but I can tell he's not sure what's in the box, either. And I mean this is a BIG box, and I'm wondering if it's a party pack of vibrators...and I am freaking out, because wouldn't YOU if you thought your stepdad bought you a party pack of vibrators???? My mom is all "open it! Open it!" And I'm all...it's ok..."I don't want to open it all up"...and my mom is "but there's all different colors, so people know which one is theirs if you have a party!!" OMG! My mom thinks I'm gonna have a vibrating bullet party with all of my girlfriends to pleasure their vajayjays with? She rips the box from me and opens it up....And I realize it's a kitchen blender with all different attachments, including cups with colored rings so your guests know which cup is theirs. Of course, it's a blender....would you have known it was a blender. And then the following week, I saw the infomercial. (Can I just add here that I use this bullet, weekly?)

I swear to God that Cathy Mitchell probably has some sort of porn or sex industry background. GT Xpress 101. That's the grill thingy that puts all of your food in a semi-circular pocket....Have you ever watched how she lures the old dude into her pocket meals? Have you ever watched how her wig slips in this infomercial from the excessive sweat that is dripping off of her forehead into said pocket meal? Doesn't that sound yummo?

Ron Jeremy originally was the celebrity endorser for "Extenze". The male enhancement pill that is all natural. People. Seriously, if ingesting something from nature made your peepee large, you would see men smoking bongs and chewing cud 24-7...first of all, why would ANYONE want Ron Jeremy promoting ANYTHING for them? He is nas-tee...OMG...I get it....he and Cathy Mitchell!!!!!