The level of smells.....

A couple of blogs ago....I introduced you to a couple of my favorite terms for disgusting aromas..."smells like ass" and "crotch rot". I "invented" these one night after a couple friends and I were discussing some of the worst things we have seen and/or smelled. This just proves how I didn't have much of a life before I met Aviator Glasses-Man (that's new nickname for my hubby....he wears these Aviator sunglasses that make me, well...I need to keep SOME things private).

So this "smell scale" has a bad to worse rank. Let's start with the least offensive of the bunch:

Last Night's Sex....this is pretty self explanatory. But the background story is quite interesting. I was away at college (Texas Tech...go Red Raiders), and this girl that lived down the hall from my dorm asked me to watch her puppy while she and her boyfriend went home for the weekend. Her high school sweetheart didn't make it into Tech, so he moved to some apartment in Lubbock and went to a community college. Now, we all know that when your boyfriend has an apartment, there is no way in hell you will be staying in your dormroom....so, she stayed at this apartment EVERY night while her poor roommate had to make up excuses everytime her parents called and she wasn't there (this is before cell phones, I know ANCIENT!) He suprised her with a golden retriever puppy for her birthday. (Who the fuck gets a puppy in an apartment...again, he didn't get into Tech...) So, I say that I will watch the dog while they're gone. I decided it would be easier just to take dog with me for the day. I walk into apartment, and about fell over from odor. You got it: "last night's sex"....let me give you a visual...there were black fabric couches in the living room with "passion puddle" stains all over it, a black fabric chair with "passion puddles" all over the arms and cushions and even the kitchen chairs had "pp" on them. I go into the bedroom to get the dog out of the cage...and yes, you are correct, black sheets, comforter, etc...with more of this "screamin' semen stain" all over it. The poor dog is wagging his tail against the wall of the cage, I think he knew he was going to get some fresh air....Now, if you knew someone was entering your apartment...wouldn't you make the bed, try to hide stains and spray some lysol....? "Last Night's Sex"...#4

Curry Fart.....this experience occured when I was 8 in the back of a '79 Chevy Monte Carlo....it was silver on the outside and burgandy velour on the inside. My Mom was recently divorced from my dad and we moved into an apartment complex....it was actually a really cool place to live, because there were a lot of kids my age and a really cool pool. We would take turns carpooling to school. I was sitting in the back of this Monte Carlo, one morning, on my way to school.....Dr and Mrs "SomeIndianName" were in the front seat and their kid, me and another neighbor kid were in the back. Dr and Mrs "Indian" were really nice. The father loved to make jokes (they weren't funny, but his accent was)...one day he said he had a new game he wanted to share with us....his kid was bright red and was on the verge of tears...we were like "whatever", "what's the game?"...Dr "Indian" says: "It's called Guess What We Had For Dinner Last Night" and he would give us a clue....by now, his kid is sobbing....I'm sitting in the middle and the other neighbor kid is egging Dr "Indian" on...at this point, I am thinking I may be in some trouble now....and then, it happened: Dr "Indian" ripped a fart (I swear he shat in his pants...it sounded like a wet one)....and said "What do you think we ate?"...I'm about to vomit, and am stuck between these two kids and nowhere near a window....the neighbor kid yells out "Curry!"...and Dr and Mrs "Indian" are laughing in the front seat..."YES!!!"...we pull up to the school, and I swear a fart cloud emits from the car as we get out....the rest of the day, I was constantly asked by teachers if I had eaten curry, lately.... "Curry Fart"...#3

Smells Like Ass.....now this order derived from a plethora of events....I went into a prospective client's house that needed a new kitchen. These people were NOT clean and when I walked through the living room, past the couches, on my way to kitchen...all I could smell was stinky butt. Then, there are those stinky guys that drive trucks all day and when you get into the truck, you get it: you can smell more stinky butt. You go to the movie theratres, sit in the chair...and ugh, stinky butt....Apparently, some people do not know how to wipe their ass, correctly...or that changing your underwear everyday isn't an option..it's a RULE. And "yesterday's ass"? That's just ass gone really bad. That's when you don't wipe correctly (or hell, when you don't wipe at all?) and you got that monkey butt/orangutan ass thing going with the chaffing and poop pellets all tangled up in your rectum hair (mmm....what's for lunch?)...and you constantly pick at your pants (I've seen people smell their fingers after doing that...WTF?)...."Smells Like Ass"...#2

Crotch Rot....this is the worst smell on my list....now, I had to experience this with the crooked lady at the grocery the other day....but I am grateful to say that this odor is pretty rare. I am responsible for creating the term, but I am not responsible for creating the smell.....one of Texas Tech's finest grid-iron boys shared this story with me. A girl that lived on the same floor as me in my college dorm, got around. She never showered much and was game for just about any sex act. She had a pretty extensive porn collection and loved to act out her favorite scenes...so, apparently, she was at a party discussing anal sex with some of the football team. (I am warning you, this next story might be too much) One of the players admitted that he hadn't had anal sex with a girl and she said if he wanted to try it out on her, that it would be fine....so, since the Everclear-Kool Aid punch was flowing that night, he took her up on her offer. A half an hour later, the guys said they saw him jump in his trunk and bolt out of the parking lot. She came back to the party and started two stepping to some Garth....one guy decided to check on his buddy back at their house. He walked into to find the guy screaming in a hot shower....then he jumped out and brushed his teeth for 20 minutes....apparently, he did the butt-deed with her and then she asked if he would go down on her...he obliged (as most Southern Gentleman would) and said he thought he was going to die. he said the smell of her vagina reminded him of a garbage dump, and to make matters worse, when he got home, he found corn on his dick...."Crotch Rot"...#1 (The corn-dick part was just a bonus....)